Overdue Library Books

i dont know but im less inclined to blog nowadays. i either just cant be bothered or just dont have time. no it aint an excuse, just facts.. just like how when you borrow books from the library, it does overdue and you just cant be buggered to return it? honestly, i dont care what ppl think of my entries.

someone left a nasty message on my tag, i deleted it. so? its my blog, so its my rules. i know its public so im considering whether to keep it private in the future. in the past, blogs were an outlet for me to destress, you know.. you cant really talk to someone so you write in a journal. its the same concept, just that you dont lock your blog in your drawer or keep it under your pillow/mattress.

so you have no choice but to allow me my freedom of speech in here, if not you can just navigate your cursor to the top right hand corner of the window, where you see the "x" and just click on your mouse button.

my current status is that im still with jonathan. its been more than 2 years and we're still hanging in there. we still do fight and argue but we're trying to make it better. at least now he is making an effort. i must give him credit for that.

my 21st birthday is coming, in another 13 days time. im planning a chalet but its still not confirmed. alot of things going on right now. did i mention that jonathan bought me a Lee Hwa "brilliant" diamond ring of 0.08 carat. its not big but its a start. im overjoyed. its my first "best friend" - refer to diamond's a girl's best friend - he took me shopping yesterday, "surprised" me with a small bouquet of rose (singular) accompanied with forget-me-nots, baby's breath and some fern like thing. hahah.. its very nice. very sweet of him.

other than that, he bought me a pair of heels from U.R.S. inc. its this pair of gorgeous black strappy high heels, with straps tied at the ankle. its so nice, so sexy.. been looking for one for so long.. after my last pair broke. finally!!

then just nice, Lee Hwa was beside U.R.S. inc.. so he went from shop to shop, literally. hahah. funny thing how i did mention that i wanted jewellery from Citigems but i failed to notice the shop was right beside Lee Hwa. hahahah. Citigems is from the same company as Lee Hwa, you know.. it is that ad with joanne peh and fiona xie acting as best friends...

Oops. Im in trouble.

Guess what? the goody goody two shoes of the old times (according to old classmates) is now in trouble with the school. its been 5 weeks into school and guess what? im in trouble cos of attendance. ive been cutting school. yeah... yeah.. i know.. its a stupid thing to get into trouble for. my advisor called my home and spoke to my mom... and yes, i got screwed over for it. mom said that the advisor said that i missed like wat 11 days of school? im like wtf? cant be! no matter how i calculate, i still dont get 11 days. max is 8. yes i also know.. its still alot.

whatever it is, im now on the chopping board. i guess i would be seeing my advisor tmrw for the verdict.

another thing, ive gone back into a relationship. things are not too bad. still smooth.. less fights and stuff.. taking things slowly and less serious.

dil is back in singapore.. well.. he was for awhile.. now he is in malaysia.. he might be going to aus for a week or so.. then come back to singapore... spend another week and then head back to the states.

christmas eve was good. i thought i was going to spend it alone but dil called me up. i was surprised! he asked me what i was doing for christmas eve and i told him i was broke, single(then) and i was not doing anything. then he told me he was going to chinablack with his friends and sharing a 3 litre bottle of johnny walker. and he asked me if i wanted to join him. the bottle costs 900 bucks and he said each person was to pay 90 bucks. i told him i dont have the money.. if i did.. i would love to go.. then he informed me that cover charge is 45 bucks that night. i was like... dude.. i dont even have 2 bucks and u want me to come up with 45? hhahaha. turned him down and he said that if i changed my mind.. to call him.

next thing i know.. 5 minutes later, dil calls me back and tells me this. "steph, tell u what.. i'll pay for you and you come along okay? just come and have fun. its just really sad and horrible of me to let u spend christmas eve all alone by yourself. what do you say?"

then i met dil and his friend weishu at far east. went to shoot some pool and went to meet the other friends of his at chinablack. it turned out that it was not johnny walker. it was a 3 litre bottle of martell. not my favourite at all. but then again, beggars cant be choosers.

had tons of fun and all that thanks to dil.. he's such a wonderful fella. known him for 2 years plus and we've been thru alot. ive tried my best to be there whenever he needed a friend and he's been there for me too.. in the old times.. before he flew off to the states for studies.

clubbed alot since he came back. went to chinablack twice in a week. bad man.. not that i paid for anything but i feel bad la.

anyways.. im gonna stop here. i cant seem to get my mind off the verdict tmrw.. it scares me... another problem that i have created for myself.

the cumulative effects of my evil doings.

Long Hiatus

its been really too long since i last blogged. i have to apologise to all. im sorry i havent been blogging. too many things have happened and i have been occupied in many ways. school's back in after my 6 weeks of attachment at asia pacific breweries.

im really not in the state of mind to blog let alone talk to anyone. let's just say that right now, im pretty screwed. having alot of problems rite now. with money, with men, with friends, with school, with family, with myself. i cant share it with anyone, it is something i have to go thru on my own.

i will continue to blog as regularly as i can from now on. but i cant promise that i will be honest. it is sad, for it is my blog and honesty is almost indefinite but at the same time, i'd choose silence over truth.. simple cos this is a public blog, not a private one.

funny how i used to run to this blog to spill out my sadness and woes but now i seem to be running away from it. just like im trying to run away from my own problems..

my previous entry highlighted that i have been going in circles in my life. i still am. looking for the way out.. somehow i know the way out but i refuse to walk myself out. why? cos i am afraid? or cos i am too stubborn. it is true, i am stubborn. i dont listen. i know i dont. it is cos i dont listen that i have lost friendships and relationships. maybe i should start to listen. the difficulty lies in the first step. first steps are always hard. i am trying to take that first step but im not ready. the harder i try, i end up stepping backwards.

christmas is just around the corner. and at the top of my wishlist is strength. i pray for strength to take that first step. strength to move on.. strength emotionally or mentally. right now, strength is what i want and need most.

next is to find a new job. im still working with the esplanade but its just too difficult to get shows. i cant just survive on the pay from the esplanade. im thinking of going back to nightlife. just the weekends. at least i would be able to make ends meet with another job.

im going to stop here. im not going to announce my return back to blogging. for those who still check, welcome back. nothing much i know.. but im trying..

Waayyyyyy Time part 1

hey u all. sorry for not being able to blog. quite alot of things has happened all this while. firstly, i was at SGH on the 14th. went for my colonoscopy which was scheduled at around 1:30pm. im not going to explain wat it is.. kinda embarassing. so.. i was admitted for the day.. didnt have to stay overnight.. then i was put on anaesthesia.. they first poked the needle linked to tube linked to syringe.. into my right hand.. one of the veins.. then they realised no blood came out.. nurse said that my vein's too thin.. no blood. hahah. painful man. then doctor made fun of me and asked if im a pampered daughter who doesnt do any form of housework watsoever. i protested.. then they grabbed my left hand and kept whacking it.. attempting to look for a thick vein. ah ha! they found one. a super thick bulging one. its at the side of my left wrist. doctor was like telling me how it wont hurt but i ended screaming and said tat he lied. after a while.. i was half laughing and half crying from the pain.. then he asked me if i felt sleepy.. i said a little bit and the next moment.. i concussed.

i awoke only to find myself to be awakened by the nurse. everything was over. somehow i got up and she led me to the toilet and handed my things/clothes back to me and somehow i got changed. why do i say somehow? cos i really cant recall that i put on my clothes by myself.. or how i did it. hahaha. it was hilarious.

then they gave me a cup of milo.. sat me down somewhere. i didnt realise tat i fell asleep.. then i was holding the milo in my hand. next thing i knew.. the nurse woke me up and said, "girl, dont hold the milo and sleep.. later spill." then she took my milo and put it on the table.

and somehow i left tat department and went to meet my mom downstairs. i was supposed to go to blk 4 level 1. i took the lift and exited on some storey. i dont know which.. and stopped in my footsteps and puked. do note tat i didnt eat anything the night before and tat morning or after. i guess the sip of milo which i had.. my stomach just couldnt take it. i threw up on the floor. and also cos the anaesthesia having its effect on me. i was later wheeled to where i was supposed to go.. and my mom met me.. went to pick up my medication and later took a bus home.

i slept all the way on the bus back home. i was exhausted. must be the anaesthesia.

i think im going to stop here. i cant stop crying. there r so many things on my mind. im thinking abt jon.. abt school, about my friends and about everything tat has been going on in my life. im depressed. im lonely and im tired. my life seems to be going in circles. i keep ending up at the same place. i want to cry my heart out. im in pain, my heart is hurting.

i want to grab someone and burst into tears...

Short Entry

hey all. sorry i havent been blogging. been sick for a week plus. started off coughing, then lost my voice, then came a runny nose.. then finally a full blown flu. went to see a doctor already and am now on medication. was on 2 days MC on monday and tuesday. have i mentioned how much i hate to take medication?

haaha. i think this year has been a year of alot of things. its been a fairly good year for me, but it has also been a year which i have been ill rather often as well. maybe its the lack of sleep, the busy schedule, the lack of fluids and all the stress and problems which i have been facing throughout the year.

anyways.. im was at SGH today for my medical appointment at 2:50pm. was late cos i was held up in school. but im really apologetic cos i couldnt stay behind in school to help the rest in my advertising project to mount the stuff. my consultation came up to a sum of about 50 dollars.. its considered cheap already.. since i was at the specialist outpatient clinic. i shan't go into the ghastly details of my consultation. . let's just say that i need to go back to the SGH for a mini procedure on sept 14th(tuesday) at around 1pm. i would have to be admitted.. but no worries, its juat a day admission.. i dont think i need to stay overnight at the hospital. but i'd be on MC tat day. confirm. cos the nurse said tat the procedure is only done on tuesdays. how odd. im kinda scared abt the results. let's just say its not really looking good for me. anyways.. so now i have like 6 kinds of medication to take... including my flu medication.

ah ha! just remembered. i bought a new hp casing for my samsung x430 flipfone. its a doraemon cover. rather cute. hahaha. was at the hospital registration counter and on the phone with andy then the nurse saw my phone and started asking me and saying how cute my cover is. hahahah. then there was this discussion among the nurses abt my cover. amusing man. andy said my cover is really attention grabbing. bleh. im not AS okay? note** AS = attention seeker.

hmmm.. im feeling drowsy already. medication is taking its toll on me. i need to get up early tmrw anyways.. got advertising at 8am. loooong day tmrw. 8am-6pm. someone save me. take care y'all. anita.. if u are reading this.. i miss u and i hope everything is fine... take care okay? *hugs*

The Super 6

ever wondered if the super six applied to urself? well, if u think about it carefully.. it really does. thinking wat the super six are? well, they are what, when, where, who, why and how. now let me tell u how it would apply to me and maybe u can figure how it would apply to u too. :)

what? when i first wake up in the morning, i would say. "FUCK! What time is it?!" if not i would go, "what should i eat for lunch today?" or.. "what the fuck do you want?" or.. "what is your fucking problem?" and "what assignments do we have?", "what happened?", "what went wrong?", "what is he doing now?"

next you have when? "when is the assignment due?", "when are we going clubbing again?", "when is he going to call me?", "when is my period coming?", "when is the bitch going to pay me?", "when would i ever see him again?"

where? "where are we going?", "where shall we go next?", "where is tat?", "where is he now?"

then is who? "who is that bitch?", "who is going clubbing this weekend?", "who the fuck is he/she?"

why? why is she so anal today?", "why hasnt he called me?", "why doesnt he reply my msges?", "why is he so cold towards me?", "why did i go back to him?", "why do we always fight and argue?", "why can't we be happy?", "why did i find someone i really liked and yet not let me have him?", "why can't i be happy?", "why do shit always happen?", "why is everything so fucked up?"

lastly, there is the how? "how am i going to finish the assignment on time?", "how can i be happy?", "how can i ace this semester?", "how can i earn more money this month?", "how did things become this way?", "how did i end up like this?", "how can i see him again?", "how the fuck do i know?", "how i can change things?" and "how i wish i can turn back time?"

actually, there are alot more which the super 6 would apply to my daily life. wondering why the sudden inspiration to touch on the super 6? well... i think its cos i had my newswriting make up tutorial today. it was boring today. was the post mortem for field assignment 1. the national day write up. she wanted us to discuss wat we enjoyed most abt the assignment. u know wat i said?

hahaha. i said the adrenaline of burning midnight oil. hahahhahaha. =P then later came the question.. so wat problems did we face while doing the assignment. i said i suffered from writers' block. u know.. mind a complete blank, no inspiration then cannot write. hahahah. i think if im a reporter for a newspaper.. my newspaper wouldnt be published daily but as and when i have an inspiration. hurhurhur.

to be honest, i have plenty of things on my mind rite now. most of them abt relationships and my feelings. i know i should be thinking abt my schoolwork now cos i have tons of them on my hands but if my relationships are not going well.. i really wouldnt be able to concentrate on schoolwork. when i talk abt relationships, im not just referring to my relationship with jonathan.

im also referring to friendships and relationships at home. relationships at home with the mother is not good. she seems to be pissed off at me. for some reason. she started being angry at me on thursday. tat night after i went to chinablack on wednesday, don came to pick me up and sent me to jonathan's place. in the day time on wednesday, jon and i actually argued again. over the issue of a sex band. im thinking if i should elaborate on the issue of the sex band. if i do, its going to be a long entry, though its already very long. maybe u guys should let me know if i should tell the sex band story. hahaha. continuing.. i stayed over at jon's tat wednesday night. when i got back home the following day, i mom began raving and ranting abt me not coming home the previous night. i get why she is angry but im puzzled.

why puzzled? well.. simply cos in the past, i used to stay over at jon's like 3 days a week or more.. and she didnt say anything. and now.. im like staying over either once a week or less. im hardly ever at his place now. then she is like sooo angry and so unhappy about it. weird. so right now, my mom is like not talking to me.. oh well..

oh yeah, i was electric shocked today in the shower. i was taking a shower.. then i felt that the water wasnt hot enough so i reached up for the heater.. for the knob.. i dont know wat i was touching or turning and suddenly, i felt this pain that shook my finger. i couldnt feel my finger for a moment there. but im fine.. just a shock thankfully. guess which finger? of all fingers, it had to be my middle finger. hahahahahha. wat the fuck rite? imagine if it was a strong shock or a fatal one. then i would have been dead. NAKED. urgh. wat a horrible and embarrassing way to die. burnt, cooked and naked. wah lao. i would never want to die or be found dead tat way man. lol.

okay la. i think i blogged enuff already. tired of typing. heehhe. will blog tmrw if i have the time. aiya. most prolly i would cos im rather free. :P

kinky winky

hurhurhur. no im not horny or feeling kinky. just my nickname on msn. initially it was pinky winkie. but then ryan came along and said, "no, it should be kinky winky." inspired, i changed to kinky winky! hahaha. sounds so me eh? ahahhaa.

submitted my ad analysis today, slept only at 6am and woke up around 8plus. headed to school and printed my stuff. lucky i made it before the deadline of 12pm. heh. thanks to sarah, she's so nice, help me submit after i mounted my work. thanks babe!

let's pause for awhile...

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this is my work schedule at the esplanade for the rest of the month.. not many :( only have two confirmed ones left.

27th Aug, Friday : SDT - Awakening 8pm @ Theatre (6:30pm-10:30pm)
29th Aug, Sunday : The Legends Musical Nite (In Tamil) 8pm @ Theatre (5:30pm-11pm)

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okay, back to wat i was saying... feline still owes me my pay. and im waiting for my esplanade pay as well. so currently im like eating air. ha ha ha.

as of now, im just gonna go a count of the number of assignments i have on my hands.

*note: the end of the two week break marks week 10. the last week of school is week 15

1. ad campaign (due in Week 14)
2. media management pt1 (due on 30th Aug) highest priority!
3. media management pt2 (due in Week 15)
4. media research: -final project (due in Week 14)
5. tv production demo assignment (due in Week 13, if im not wrong)
6. newswriting field assignment 2 (due at the end of the semester)
7. PQS project (due at the end of the semester)
8. radio production - stereo assignment (due in Week 11 or 12)

tats about it. i havent included some individual assignments yet.. cos their not assigned to us yet. but this is the minimum number. yes 8. if i dont blog, tats cos i dont even have the time to sleep, let alone blog. i guess working at the esplanade would be kept to the minimum too as well i guess. unless im lucky to get some shows tat would fit nicely into my schedule. oh yeah, not forgetting tat i might be working for feline for all my weekends in september and the first weekend of oct. though i would rather work at the esplande cos they pay me more and the work is so much more relaxed. i guess working for feline has its perks too. like how the money comes in at such unfixed timings tat i would have money in btwn my fixed pays. lol. odd reasoning isnt it? haha.

im bored. this two week break is boring. esp when im broke. cant do much without those crisp notes. ah fuck. oh yeah! forgot to mention about boys. remember in one of my entries i mentioned tat im having luck in men.. hahah. once again im in contact with a really old friend i havent seen in say wat.. 3 years? his name is alex him.. i used to have a huge crush on him in 2001 when i just came into ngee ann poly, in I.T. he was the Freshmen Orientation Camp Chief. sharon and i was so crazy over him cos he looked so cute. anyways, back to alex. we dont have one another's contact number and we really hardly contact or talk. usually i would only see him online on icq. but it was not frequent. he graduated when i was in year two I.T. later he went on into the army.

so.. out of the blue, he suddenly msged me on icq and we decided to exchange numbers and stay in touch. we talked online for hours and i think my interest in him is kinda still there. hahaha. we flirted online man. hilarious. we talked abt meeting up.. me cooking pasta for him.. we clubbing together sometime and all tat. it was nice warm fuzzy feeling. :) its just nice to catch up with old friends.

im really itching to go out man. im thinking of heading to chinablack later tonight since its ladies nite and leave early cos im broke. need to catch a bus home. if andy(one of my colleagues at the esplanade) can make it.. i guess i'll go. it'd be odd going alone.

ahahah.. so many new guy friends in my circle. how exciting. im also having quite a bit of fun working at the esplanade. got to watch fireworks and the revenge of the dimsum dollies. it was a good show. so funny. watched it 3 times and i still laughed at their jokes. :D

okay. i think this is all for now.. take care u all.. i'll blog soon. :)

FaceLift!

hey y'all! i decided to give this blog a makeover.. so viola! anita helped me with some of the redesigning of this skin.. so big thanks to her! :) i'll be back to blog soon. now i gotta go work on my ad analysis cos it is due in just 7 hours?? ah! bbl! :D

Sorry?

i think my blog to all of u out there is way overdue. i want to apologise but i know i dont mean it so why say it rite? i just realised that it is my blog and i would blog as and when i can or i please. sound like im in a bad mood? i guess i am. okay i dont guess. yes i am.

my mom just bitched. cant recall when she last did but yeah she is at it. this time it is my fault. i had dinner and i didnt wash my plate. then she went on and on.. saying this saying that. saying tat when we were younger, we used to spilt up the work and write up a roster. yeah.. like she said, tat was when we were younger. next, she went on to say tat now that we have grown up and working, we dont give her money.

to my mom though i know she wouldnt see(bryant, if u see this, shut the fuck up):

hello? im not working full-time? if i was, i would give u some. dont say all tat to me cos im not working full-time. besides, ur intended audience is ur two eldest daughters who are already working. not my fault they are not giving u money.
anyways, its been say wat 2-3 weeks since u gave me allowance. i didnt say anything or ask. i just keep quiet and eat air in school.

and mom, i havent been getting enough rest cos of schoolwork, could u be more understanding and dont scream? my headache is already bad enuff as it is with all the stress from schoolwork and the lack of sleep. i really dont need my headache to become any worse. i appreciat all you are doing for me and our family but sometimes, please.. i need my time off and some peace. u want to bitch at us, choose a better time? -end-

many reasons make up why im upset. i'd just list a few...

1. i've got two assignments due tmrw(my radio commercial and my ad analysis)
2. im broke.
3. having a rift with jon(what's new?)
4. i gave up 3 shows this week for schoolwork(which is equivalent to $100)
5. i dont have enough rest = im tired
6. i have quite a bit of stuff on my mind
7. im lonely. (ironic eh?)

quick message for those i havent seen in a while. big hello to winnie, i saw her in school for the bazaar. "regards to u my gf. take care of urself. we'll party or meet up soon eh? i miss you". i know nick wouldnt get to see this but wat the hell... "i miss you. dearly." sad to say, i think we're not even friends now. friends dont do the things you do. friends dont do the things we did. and friends dont ignore friends with words like "im busy". to halim, "dude, im sorry i havent been there for you. i have no excuse. but u've always been a friend to me. probably the truest friend i'd ever have in my life, please do continue being my friend if i do deserve it. i really do love you as a friend. i can guarantee that i'd be crying my eyes till they pop when i send u off at the airport. you are dear to me.." to hanizah, though she doesnt read my blog, "oi babe, u take care of yourself can? let's work hard! be it in school, work or our lovelife. i know u care alot for me and i do too for you. you are one of my closest gfs, i know im not ur best friend but u are dear to me as well. never give up! let's stick together!" to anita, "once my partner in crime, always my partner in crime. to more late nights together. let's hang in there!" not forgetting sharon my best friend in australia, "sharon, my best friend, for 14 years, still my best friend. im glad to see that things have always been good or at least smooth for you. work hard in australia, i do miss you and meiyen. i wont forget u guys. forgive me if ive been busy with school. i still think back to the days we shared together. i miss those days." actually, i have alot to say to alot of ppl but i dont think there would be enuff space here to say everything down to everyone.

i dont know why but i feel melancholic. i feel blue. some might think that i seem like im leaving my last words. maybe i am. i dont know. there are some things which i dont think i'd like to say. i think im just going to keep it to myself for now.

quick update for all. ive got say... 9 assignments on my hands now. sorry if i havent been free to meet up with anyone. plus ive been working at the esplanade.. anyways, ive got suggestions from friends saying tat i should put up frequent updates on the shows at the esplanade since i get to watch them. like show reviews. i was thinking it is a good idea but i need ppl to gimme their views. drop ur views in the tagboard. :)

then i got to know a few new guys.. there's yi xian.. my colleague at work.. rather nice fellow. ;) then there's jon.. another jonathan.. nice and okay dude., havent met him.. then there's shawn. actually know him from before.. met him up for dinner with binks. then there's don. havent met him either. he seems perverse though. hahaha. oops. im widening my social circle. but i dont seem to be going out alot more. ahaha.

nothing else to update i think. other than im waiting for my pay to come in at the end of the month. the last pay i got i spent already. heh. i just cant save money. bleh. oh yeah, did i mention tat i got my internship like finalised? yeah i did. yippee! so happy. well.. i guess i'd only see nick on october 25th. tats my first day of ITP. nick's birthday is on the 28th.. im gonna bake him muffins i guess. :) i know its stupid of me.. but i still want and am going to do it. im stubborn. wat to do? :P

Back Again! Hee. =)
 

So...! yeah im sorta trying to get back to the momentum of school-life-home-bf-work. heh. trying hard to manage all of them and not suffer a breakdown or let one affect the other. tough man. well.. let's first talk abt school. hmm... its been 4 weeks and i must say, IM STRUGGLING! fuck. yeah, im struggling. my timetable is really draining. by midweek, i'd be half dead. not to even mention friday being the last day, i would be literally dead, in mind and soul... body barely surviving. the current count for the number of assignments to be done and due soon is 4 -

1. media research methods: literature review,
2. advertising: ad analysis,
3. radio production 1: 3 min capsule, and lastly,
4. media management project assignment.

for numbers 1 and 3, they r due next week. *gasp* haha. i havent even started on them. i know i know.. i better get started soon or else im really dead. so yeah, looks like i wont be going home anytime early these days.

oh yeah, sharon left for aussie already. sent her off. felt bad that i didnt get her anything. was completely flat broke. kaput broke. surprisingly i didnt cry. unlike then when i went to send anh off... i practically cried my eyes till they were red n puffy and i didnt stop even after she went into the belt. its sad to see friends leave.. not to even say best friends.. -sigh- especially when come next year.. when halim leaves for tasmania.. ALL of my best friends would be there. and i'd be alone here.. yes i will have hanizah and she's my bestest girlfriend! we're

oh well, im doing my research on further studies. yes, i might be leaving too, dont know where to yet but i want to get my bachelor's. currently, im thinking of applying to SFU(simon fraser university) in vancouver canada. u know something? the aussie dollar has gone up. now.. canadian dollar is smaller than the aussie dollar. cool huh? heh. so for poor people like me.. we'd have to go to canada to study.. cos its cheaper. :P anyways, back to SFU, i wanna apply to the school of communication and get a bachelor's degree in applied sciences, which is mass comm la. lol.

hmmm.. wat else is there to update? hmmm.. *thinks* alex my british friend was in town for awhile and we met up with cam, charmain and some peeps i dont know. was short i guess. pressed for time.. loads of stuff to do in very little time.

OH YEAH! i was on MC today. though i was in school for a short while, i went to the polyclinic and got an mc. not really feeling too good.

fucking shit. just got informed tat i would be staying in school to do project till rather late tmrw. fuck. school is becoming home to me. did i mention that im beginning to hate some ppl in my class? dont want to mention names but yes im really beginning to get fucking pissed off with the things tat they do or say.

oh well, anyways.. i gtg now.. class at 11am and still need to stay in school for project till late.. bleh.

Been awhile...
 
Yes i know, its been almost a month since i last blogged and im guilty of being lazy. but thats not all, school started for most as all of u would know. and each week is so exhausting. come friday everyweek, i'd be so tired and restless. though i finish school at 2pm on fridays and would love to head out and do something.. but then my tired body and restless mind would tell me to go home and catch up on sleep. funny..
 
the whole school momentum hasnt hit me yet. i know there are loads to do and deadlines to meet but i havent really gotten to doing them. -sigh-
 
anyways, some updates..

1. i got back together with jon (AGAIN)
2. i secured my internship with APB
3. nick and i are not really talking
4. anil(former bf) and i r pretty close friends now
5. my bitch of a boss still owes me my pay
6. sharon is leaving for aus today
7. halim is going for his op on the 26th.

okok.. sorry but this would be a short entry. cos im heading to jon's house right now.. his house is nearer to the airport and sharon is leaving in the morning.. i'll be heading to the airport from his house.. so i'll blog soon? heh :)

Tired!

*note: i noticed that i like to blog late at night or early in the morning of the next day. so my blogs or wateva i put up is actually things tat happened a day before the stated posting date. i hope im not confusing. [:

dont know why but im beat. woke up at 10:30am today and realised tat i overslept. took a shower and got dressed to head out. was supposed to meet halim at 10ish. called halim and no one answered. kept calling like mad but still no answer. panicked. kept calling but still no answer. went back to sleep and occasionally waking up to try to reach halim. i was worried! tried to look for his home number but failed. called up CGH and checked if he got admitted in.. he didnt. so i was quite relieved. i officially woke up at 2 plus in the afternoon. then i suddenly remembered tat i was meeting sharon at 4pm.

so i got changed and set off to thomson road. was too darn lazy to take the bus so i took a cab. was only $3.90. hahah. saw sharon, gave her a big hug. weird hug it was. lol. sharon and i dont hug since we first knew one another and grew up together. we rarely hug so it was natural for it to be weird. hurhur. :Þ hung out and chatted and caught up with one another till 6 then she closed shop. she was working at mcds.. for her dad(her parents arent in town and her dad owns canteens to rent it out to otherss, the one at mcds is one of them). afterwards she drove one of the auntie employees back home and then dropped me off at chancery road. i had training at 7pm remember? heh. waited at the bus stop but the bus never came, so i had to take a cab to the esplanade. got there right on the dot at 7! wow. training was alrite.. quite interesting, roleplaying today. roleplayed ushers and patrons. hahahah. new kinky sex roleplay role. hahahahah. im insane.

the room was really cold. had to sit on my hands to keep them warm. jon called in the middle of it and asked me where i was. told him i was at the esplanade having my training. he said he was at the padang, outside the cordoned off area for the LINKIN PARK concert and he said he had a pretty clear view of the WIDE screen tv showing the concert LIVE. told him i would go over only after 10 when my training ends. then i found out tat i could actually enter the concert without paying! god! too late! why? cos my VO(venue officer) can just walk in!!! and i was thinking.. if he is going as well.. he can just bring me in!!! shit man. in the end it didnt happen.. cos i didnt wait for him and i just ran to the padang.

met jon there. didnt talk much. just enjoyed the music and sang along. it ended at around 10 plus coming 11pm. we left the place together and he said he was hungry and he asked if i was going home straight. i said yeah. we only talked to one another when necessary. i accompanied him to eat at S-11 beside the national library and then we walked to our bus stop to take a bus. his bus stop was different from mine but he still walked me to mine and waited with me. somehow, he decided to take another bus instead of the other and hopped onto the bus while i hopped unto mine.

just yesterday he told me tat he has no interest anymore and he doesnt want to get back together. then today i asked him again if he had interest, he tells me not now. i told him, "if it is not anymore, just tell me, dont tell me not now. cos ur making me think twice about fighting for this relationship n making me think twice about waiting for u to get tat interest back." i feel tat he is giving me weird signals. he says at the moment he is tired and he doesnt have any interest. and tat he doesnt know wat he wants. and at the same time.. he doesnt know if when or whether the interest will come back and AT THE SAME TIME, he wants us to go our own ways and concentrate on our own things. dont u all agree tat he is giving me weird and mixed signals? *sigh* oh well. he wants to go out with me on thursday. so i guess yeah we would be.

anyways, i gotta meet halim tmrw early at 7:30am. going to carry out wat was planned yesterday. go to CGH and get him admitted. will be accompanying him all day. then afterwards head to training. long day it would be for me tmrw. not enuff sleep for sure. oh well.. for halim.. its okay. my best guy friend. so no regrets or complains.

did i mention tat im sexually deprived now? and im sex starved? pardon me ladies and gents, but i am honest with myself and everyone else. :Þ

Helloooooooooo Tuesday!

Hey everyone! How's everyone doing so far? Thanks for tagging my board and for being so concerned. im better now. no more fever. stil got cough and the itchy throat, runny nose and phelgm. gross stuff i know. so im gonna stop.

i felt alot better on sunday. though i was still abit feverish and coughing. i worked on both saturday and sunday as well.. both of them at the west end of singapore. boon lay/clementi/jurong point/jurong east to be precise. guess wat? some friends actually spotted me there!! so paiseh! cassandra and regina saw me at liberty supermarket man! and i was like, "OMG! OMG! OMG! oh no! so embarassing!!" cassandra was like walking towards me and smiling widely while i was trying to hide. nice to see u there but i wished i didnt see friends.. i dont want them to see me in my get up! urgh. anyways, tat weekend i worked with timothy and bernard.. saturday and sunday respectively. my sis and i sold pretty well. quite satisfied i'd say. found out tat xiulan(the BA i mentioned before) got to meet nick the previous week at clementi.. when nick paid a visit to bernard there. xiulan was working with bernard on tat day. wah lao. heard from bernard tat xiulan went up to nick and said, "OH! so YOU are NICK?! WAH! I HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU!! SO many BAs say that you're so caring and nice!" and rattled on.

wah lao. when i heard tat, i panicked! i was thinking. FUCK. wat the fuck did xiulan tell nick?! did she tell nick tat i was one of the BAs? and confirm nick would think tat it was me who said tat. panic sial.. so just on monday, i smsed xiulan and asked her about it. she said she didnt mention me (thank god!) but i know tat nick would surely first think of me when it comes to tat rite? anyways.. i havent smsed nick since friday, pretty happy with myself for not msging him.

as for things with jon.. its really fucked up and complicated. i really dont think i want to talk about it here. peeps if u want to ask me about it.. maybe next time when we meet? sorry..

oh yeah! as for the Tiger Beer Roving thingy, its coming to an end soon. another two more weeks and i wont be doing it anymore. school's starting in less than 6 days. pretty excited about it. printed my timetable. i need to get a note book and some stationary. i guess i'll be pretty busy this week. esplanade training for another 2 more modules/days.. had training on monday, it was a site tour. fucking 2 hours plus.. just walking around the theatre hall and the concert hall, attempting to familiarize. tiring man. then tuesday is the embarassing and boring roleplay thing where we ROLEplay the situations and circumstances tat may happen. the last one would be on wednesday, the safety, security and fire evacuation thingy module. after tat i would officially graduate from the training! yay! woohoo! finally. two months of fucking training, worst part is not tat its two months, but its seven days/modules spread over 2 months! so i officially start work next week after i get all my stuff ready by tuesday. next tuesday, i would have to go back to the esplanade to collect my nametag, my user id, password, my lilac polo tee uniforms, go for fitting for the perfect nehru suits for me, go for photo-taking for our passes and etc. busy busy busy. tat means after tuesday, i can register for my first day of work in tat same week or even the following day! (:

oh yeah, back to my busy week. so mon-wed was training. today was supposed to meet sharon for awhile but something came up. had a row with jon again. then went for training, came home and blah~. the boring stuff. tmrw im going to changi general hospital with halim.. got some things to do. after tat if got time then meet sharon at thomson rd. after tat go for training.. then head back home.

wednesday i might be meeting xuanyi since he is enlisting in the army on thursday. would be meeting winnie i guess after her work for awhile.. maybe for dinner or just coffee. then go to the esplanade again for training. after training.. head to meet second sis at dbl o for ladies' night! anyone wanna come? thursday is my rest day, but its also the day i meet jon. dunno wat's going to happen on tat day. friday, saturday and sunday would be tiger beer roving again. and come monday! it would be school! (: tuesday would be school and then back to the esplanade to run errands.

so tats my schedule planned all the way till tuesday! so packed! so busy! will be even more busy!

another thing. was talking to liling about orientation for the freshies. im actually interested in helping out for it. weird. but i cant make it for the briefing, let alone for the orientation on thursday. la la la. sorry liling! wish i could join u!

hmm... wat else did i miss out? *thinks* OH YEAH! im thinking of holding this massive party at a chalet. i miss going for chalets or even organising such stuff. dont know when it would be. depends on how soon i can book it. im trying to get those bungalow type of chalets. then i can have a massive get-to-know matchmaking session for the girls AND the boys!! lol. the start of my pimping agency. LOL. i'll prolly invite the APB guys, my old asiaone portal web community friends, some of my old clubbing friends, my friends in poly, all my friends, friends' friends and perhaps friends from friendster too! i'd provide the food and drinks. but my party requirement would be.. bring at least a 6 pack beer each head. i miss the house party which ryan and i organised like in 2001. tat was great man. had like 70 over ppl come.. even ppl we didnt know but since we publicised! cam would remember! cos she was my barbitch. halim wouldnt remember much since he left early. ryan would remember since it was his house and his parents nearly disowned him cos the party was too wild. peeps would went would have remembered since it was free booze for all and the house was fantastic cos it had NO furniture. the chalet would have all the works man. food, alcohol, drinks, games, music, dancing or wateva.. and happening ppl! cant wait! just need to figure out some stuff.. like the location, the chalet and the availability. will let u all know as soon as its confirmed!

so tats all for now folks. im tired and i cant think of anything else i can remember to put down. heh. hope u all had a great weekend. do take care of ur health cos the flu is passing the buck and the weather's been pretty horrible. call me anytime to club or go out aye?! (: steph out!

SICK SICK SICK

wah liew. been damn sick. the full-blown flu has finally come down upon me. couldnt sleep properly all night last night. kept waking up. it was either tat the fan was too cold for me or tat i needed to pee, or tat i just couldnt sleep properly. the fever began during tat time too. it went on to morning.. i woke up at 7plus and i told mom tat im gonna follow her to the office so tat i can go see a doctor. she suggested polyclinic at toa payoh. but the wait at the polyclinic scares me. so i was like "erm.. dont want can?"

waited and waited for mom to get ready.. wah lao. she took damn long can. waited till 8plus then she suddenly said we're going to the clinic nearby at whampoa. then we walked walked and walked somemore. somehow.. dont know why, i had no idea which clinic mom wanted to bring me to. tried to guess but we walked so far and so much tat i really didnt have a clue. till we got there tat is.. then she said.. "aiya, should have walked the other way.." then i was like.. almost "peng".

waited for quite sometime for the doctor. waited for like 20 min. so long! then the stupid doctor didnt even check much. just ask me wat's wrong with me.. and ask me to open my mouth and he shone a torchlight into my mouth, listened to my breathing, took my temperature and asked me if i went to china or if i had rashes. knn. fucking 25 bucks can? anyways, my temperature was quite high. 38 degrees. but i think it cant beat the last time i was sick at jon's. tat one was 38.6 degrees. but still cant beat tat time i was little.. 39.3 degrees. -evil laugh- u all must think im crazy. lol

must be the medication! he gave me anti-biotics, 2 bottles of cough syrup and paracetamol, or in another words, panadol la. all tat for freaking 25 bucks. damn, i should have studied harder and become a doctor. charge alot and do little.

i thought i wasnt gonna go to work today.. but then i did. i actually did call my boss and tell her im sick.. but i also told her tat i WANT to work but im sick.. and i told her tat if she doesnt mind me going to work sick.. i'd go. then she asked me how sick i am. i told her i got fever, cough and basically the flu. she said if i dont mind she wouldnt mind lor. so i went.

mark was my sales rep today. i did call him to tell him tat im sick but im still gonna work. so he was really nice and concerned. he kept telling me.. if im really not feeling well, he asked me to call him and he'd let me go home early. so nice rite? pity i couldnt sell much beer today. only 1 carton. so freaking pathetic. my worst sundry record. fuck man. did i mention tat the sundry was at sleazy geylang with loads of whores? it was right beside the road, so much dust and smoke.. n it was so noisy with the traffic. if i had the voice, i would shout, but i dont. kept coughing like mad while working. the owner of the mini-mart very nice.. i want to buy drinks.. they say no need to pay.. "kaki lang". so nice.. :) but i feel damn paiseh leh. so tat was pretty much my day today.. or yesterday. since its saturday already.

well.. im gonna go rest now.. still working tmrw at jurong point. goodnight y'all.

Happy? Sad? Both?

met nick for awhile earlier.. he came by to return me my snoopy box. the snoopy box which i kept the banana crumbs muffins which i specially baked for him.

the meeting was brief and short. im happy tat i got to see him again after so long.. but sad cos i wish it was more than just this short meeting. i was dressed really down-to-earth, unlike the usual times which i met him.. i was just in a spag top and shorts.. tied my hair up in a ponytail and wore my glasses. it was the first time in which he saw me in my glasses and in super slack casual wear. first thing he said to me was... "nice glasses!" and i smiled and said.. "thanks.." it was a nice warm feeling to see him smile and hear his warm friendly voice again. i missed all of that.. and so much more. i guess i feel sad cos i wanted tat warm feeling to last.. but i cant do anything for tat to happen. alot of things when it comes to nick.. it is not in my hands.. i cant do anything abt it. sad but true i guess.

while i was waiting.. i was walking my dog too. nick's met piggy before.. and piggy recognised nick.. piggy was soo happy to see him.. ironically, so was i. piggy was jumping all around nick.. then nick mentioned tat he cant stay cos he had a friend in his car waiting for him.. so he went off. before he went off.. he actually patted my head. i gave a weird look to him.. haha.
while he was getting into his car.. he said, "you dont look tat good.." and i said.. "cos im sick.." and he said, "yeah i know.." and tat was it..

*sigh* i dont know wat else i can say.. cept tat im getting more sick.. can feel a fever coming down on me.. cough is getting worse.. and im really reaching the stage of full blown flu. hate it tat im halfway there. half sick and half not. semi-lethargic.

oh yeah.. met up with halim for breakfast.. i had peanut porridge, ngoh hiang and fish cake. halim didnt have anything. then we walked all the way to little india to find his henna powder. didnt find it. but at least halim ate something. he had masala thosai.. at kamala vilas. the best thosai ever! i didnt have any cos i was stuffed already.. after tat we both headed home.. i got home and slept.. woke up at like 2 plus cos i was awakened by feline(my boss)'s phonecall to inform me of my schedule this weekend. after tat i tried to go back to sleep but i couldnt. stayed up since..

then i got a phonecall from oliver. he asked me if i wanted to accompany him to do some shopping.. i said im sick.. but then wat the hell.. so i went along.. he came to pick me up.. he had his uncle's car.. so we drove to bugis.. then to suntec.. he got his stuff and then we headed home. got some nice news from him., he's dating a girl. so happy for him. :) then he sent me home.. and then nick called... and wat happened happened..

goodnight all. im really not feeling too good. thanks for being concerned. love u all.

so yeah.. from now on.. my blog would be more alive.. its going to be filled with pictures and stuff i guess. :) going to go grab a quick nap and get up to meet halim..

and this is jonathan.. who also looks better in person.. i think..  

thought i would let u people take a look at how nick looks.. though he looks much better in person.. guy on the left.. 

me and winnie at the ritz..  

A New Beginning!

gave a facelift for my blog.. hope u guys like the new change. i was getting bored of the old one.. so yeah. decided to change to girls. heh. its a fresher and a more uplifting one. did some modifications to it.

anyways. its a thursday morning now. wondering why the hell im still awake? well.. tats cos im meeting halim later for breakfast.. i know tat if i sleep now, i wont be waking up till at least like 2pm. so yeah.. staying awake.

been ill on wednesday. woke up with no voice. felt really under the weather. oops! i forgot to mention.. went to Wild Wild Wet on tuesday with jon, cam and cam's cousin mary ann. the rides were pretty fun but i wish i hadnt gone.. some stuff happened and im not too happy about it. i wish to write more about it but i really dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. let's just put it as i was comtemplating on reconciling with jon but wat happened at the water theme park changed my mind.

another thing. i was at one of the rides called tsunami.. this tidal wave ride thing.. it creates massive waves.. wah lao. im not tat great of a swimmer so i ended up drinking loads of chlorine water. yuck! maybe tat explains why i lost my voice on wednesday when i woke up.. since i started off with a sore throat before i went there and after the chlorine.. hahahha.. u all know the equation.

so tat was tuesday and wednesday.. other than the fact tat i was feeling sick and forgoing clubbing with the girls(winnie, hanizah, cassandra and etc..), i didnt go cos im left with 20 bucks till my next pay.. which is on the 5th of july. *counts* another 18 days. urgh. paid for jon's trip into the theme park as well as all the food and stuff..

nevertheless.. school is starting in less than 2 weeks' time. to be precise, its only another 10-11 more days to school. kinda looking forward to it.. since this holiday has been more of a rollercoaster ride than anything else. with nick and jon.. and everything else.. *sigh* i kinda NEED school to put the stability back into my life. or at least keep me and my mind occupied.

sharon's leaving on 17th july, jen just left, halim's leaving early next year.. everyone seems to be going somewhere or leaving to somewhere. one by one slowly, everyone is leaving me. sad.. lonely.. *sigh* feeling pretty melancholic actually. oh well, i guess it is all part and parcel of growing up.

anyways, im working as BA this weekend again. trying to earn as much money as i can so tat when school starts.. i would get cash. still need to do more shopping. great singapore sale still on. waiting for the levis' warehouse sale in early july. *evil laugh*

u know wat... actually.. ive been wanting to meet nick or see nick more than anything or anyone else. i really do. i miss him loads. god.. i sound like some lovelorn idiot. i dont love him. i just miss him making me laugh and all. i wish i could just get to see him before school begins and i'd be happy. i wish he could just let me..

oh well.. really nothing much i can do on my end.. he's totally outta my league already. lost to me i guess.. dont wanna have any form of hope anymore. just gonna get more hurt and disappointed in the end..

okay.. im gonna end here now.. alot of typing already. fingers r tired. this is for everyone else who reads my blog and r my fans. funny how some people say my blogs r not like others.. totally not boring like others.. weird... to be honest, i began this blog not to let the whole world know wat's going on in my life.. but for me to keep memories and read back into the past and relive precious memories. tats why.. if blogger shut down.. *touches wood* it'd mean i'd lose my precious memories too. thank u girls and boys for making this blog worthwhile and being a part of my life! *hugs n kisses*

What's Love?

Sorry folks, been awhile since i last blogged. been wanting to blog but yet havent really gotten to it. where to start? hmm.. last week was a pretty emo-fun-crazy-party-sadness filled week. nick came back on monday morning. know wat? till today, i still havent seen him since he came back. alot has happened.. i really dont know where i should start. nick came back.. went to work and faced alot of talk abt me and him. talk that wasnt true and talk tat made him feel edgy and uneasy. dont know why but i think it was since then tat he hasnt called me.. hasnt replied my messages and etc. i mean. he does reply my smses.. but just not as prompt and definite like before. he's changed towards me. he's not as passionate and not as feeling toward me. now he's pretty cold.

we both agreed tat we needed to talk and sort things out. so as the week went by, i really hoped tat he'd meet me or we'd go out but it never happened. he's always been busy and stuff. we arranged to meet for a movie on saturday nite but it got cancelled at the very last minute cos a friend of his needed to be 'rescued'. *sigh* i really do miss the nick i got to know.. i miss the kisses. the embrace.. the warmth of his hand.. the way he makes me laugh or smile and the way he makes me feel about him.

i hate the awkwardness btwn me and nick now.. but we've pretty much sorted things out last night. we didnt meet.. i got to speak to him over the phone for abit but tat was it.. nothing more. only sorted things out when i came back home and he was online too. he wants to be friends.. doesnt want anything more but just friends. he said he cant handle having something going on btwn us and yet not being together. but at the same time, he's not ready for a relationship. he said tat if tat kinda thing continued btwn us.. he knew tat he's going to run away from it soon after. so now.. we're just going to go out as friends, without the kissing and the holding hands.

i just found out.. tat in his definition.. we were dating. but now we're not. in my definition.. we're just going out.. dating yes but we're not together. argh. hate it. hate it how things have become like this. hate it tat we wont be dating anymore. but there's really nothing much i can do now. he's already decided. though i did message him n say tat if he ever changes his mind about us.. about dating.. let me know.. cos i'll be around. foolish me. oh well..

so back to wat happened in the past week. on wed i met up with 6 other girls for ladies night. winnie, cassandra, liwen, huiqing and etc.. we went to dbl o. me and cassandra were downing tequila shots most of the time. got quite high but sobered up in the end. halfway i had to go chinablack to meet nicklaus. another nick.. but when i got there.. he said something cropped up and he was at hilton drinking whiskey. so i made a wasted trip down to chinablack. jon was there. we kinda talk/argued. he wasnt happy tat i was high and tat i wasnt standing straight or talking properly. okay la. i was high, swaying from side to side and slurring. so wat? heh. he begged for me to give him a chance to win me back.. and words slipped out of my mouth.. i told him tat there is someone else in the picture.. nick. when jon heard tat, he smashed his phone on the floor and it went into pieces. i got pissed off and i screamed at him and said, "pick it up now! dont u dare do this to me!". then he picked his phone up. i could see tears in his eyes.

in the end, i agreed to give him the chance.. been pondering over my decision. i guess some part of me still wants to be with him.

afterwards i headed back to mohamed sultan to look for the girls. went back there and we didnt head into the clubs. we just hung around.. one reason was cos i was hungry. heh. we headed to the kopitiam nearby and i had my black pepper steak. yum! i really miss some folks back at mohamed sultan.. and also the food too.

by the end of the night.. where the clubs closed, the people came out either hungry or high. i got a phonecall not long after. jon called and asked if i wanted him to pick me up.. i told him its okay.. i can always head back home by myself and he can save the money. then he said tat i really wanted to pick me up and have me over at his place and spend time with me. he kept insisting.. so i relented. he came.. i said my goodbyes to the girls and we took a cab and headed to his place. sounds normal doesnt it? well.. there's more to it. never did i expect him to be even more high than me. halfway during the cab journey back to his place.. we had to stop to let him throw up. i ended up sending him back to his place and not the other way around. he said all he had was a heineken and a stout. but from the way he was behaving.. i seriously dont think it was just a heineken and a stout, must have been more than tat for him to have been tat high. funny how i saw him tat night.. it really reminded me tat it was exactly why i left him.. and wat i dont wat to go back to.

so tat was last wednesday night, thursday morning for u.

on friday, i worked.. collected my pay and since hanizah got a STUFF magazine invite for two.. we went for the launch party. the invite wrote tat the party was held at the pier at robertson.. so we went there.. who knows.. tat the party WASNT there at all. it was at zouk instead. only found out when we chanced upon a signboard tat told us tat it was at zouk. the invite did not mention anything abt the venue. fucking hell. wasted trip to the robertson. we grabbed a cab and went to zouk. by the time we got there, i missed the freeflow beer.. urgh. my favourite hoegarden man. no more. i had a disgusting tasting henessey green tea man. tasted like crap. no taste, no flavour. the show at the party was so-so.. nothing much. alot of goodlooking ang moh models.. but it was pretty boring. the party ended at 11pm.. so we decided to head on to Phuture instead. YEAH! PHUTURE! RNB! hurhurhur. it was so my kinda music. and so hanizah's kind of music. we both didnt want to be approached or disturbed by men.. so we decided to pass off as lesbians. lol. at phuture, they were having 1 for 1 for drinks. i had 4 coronas! lol. one after the other. like i was just drinking water. hanizah had her usual of coke/sprite. we had so much fun man. but one thing for sure.. i was more high on wednesday than i was on friday. :) headed home after tat.. though before i did.. some stuff happened.. but i dont think i want to mention any of it.

saturday and sunday was just mainly work as BA and nothing much.. so im not gonna say anything more.. that was my past week i guess.

Ah.. Thursday already?

How the week flies by so fast. its thursday already. nick would be coming back on sunday. i did something unbelievable yesterday. i made a flash movie for nick. even i dont believe it.

alot of things happened in this 3 days. other than me breaking up with jon and making it final. jon came over to my place to return my stuff on tuesday. he had called the night before telling me tat it was his off day on tuesday and tat he would come over to my place to pass me my stuff. so tuesday came and i stayed home the entire day waiting for him to come over. day passed and evening came, he didnt come over and neither did he call. so i called him, only to find out tat he is at lynette's house. i was fuming mad, if he had called to say tat he wouldnt be coming over or tat he would only be coming over in the evening, it would have been fine. but he didnt. i had to call him. and he said he might not be coming over after all. not even a call to inform me. how responsible of u, i told him. and i also said.. i guess nothing really changes when we're together and when we're not. so after much arguing.. i finally managed to get him to come over.

during the time i was waiting for him, i made arrangements with oliver, to hang out together. so when jon came over and we didnt say a word to one another. we left the house together, since i was leaving the house too. something significant happened when we left together. jon's bus stop was just downstairs and mine still some distance away. the significance lied in the part where i walked to my bus stop, away from his. away from him. i was walking away from him. and i didnt turn back.. just like how i left him and didnt turn back. it was tough, walking away from him and not looking back at him. i kept telling myself tat i have to be strong. i must not show tat im weak. cos once u do show ur weakness, people take advantage of it.

later i went on to meet oliver in town. had no idea we were gonna go clubbing. thought we'd just have dinner and some coffee. i was dressed in a v-neck top and jeans. nothing fancy. so anyways, went along.. together with his sister and his sister's friend teresa. i was feeling shitty all night, tried so hard to stay strong and not crumble. had like 3 heinekens tat night on an empty stomach n to be honest, i was tipsy. tats why i have a warning for all. be it ur a good drinker or not, always eat before u drink. drinking on an empty stomach would indefinitely send u high into the sky, if u know wat i mean. in my tipsy stupor, i called jon.. talked to him and broke down in the ladies. i wanted to go over to his place and talk things thru but he had friends coming over. i got mad, cos to me.. friends could have easily took over my absence for him. but here i am, feeling miserable abt it. after i hung up on him saying tat i hope tat he is happy cos i will never be, i msged him alot of stuff tat hurt him. alot of things which i didnt mean but i wanted to hurt him, to tell him tat im hurt. i msged stuff like, "u know, i will screw any guy just to hurt you, even if its going to hurt me more." and also said stuff during the phonecall like, "maybe u can also screw lynette since she's going to be there." tat night when i got home, i cried even more. i broke into heart-wrenching sobs, tears which shook my body as i cried. after tat, i couldnt sleep for awhile, but later fell asleep drenched in tears.

the next day, i remembered wat i said and called him to apologise. he said he understood and he didnt blame me. then in tat phonecall, he admitted tat he missed me and tat he wants me back. i couldnt give him an answer. i really didnt know. even as now, i dont know. i want to go back to him but i dont know if im strong enuff to go thru another break up like this. this wasnt a plaything or a game. it was real, it was final.

Happy! Sha La~ La~ La~ La~

ok.. back to why im happy.. or why i could be happy. this whole weekend was spent working my arse off. worked on fri, sat and today(sun). worked near woodlands customs checkpoint on friday at sheng siong hypermarket. i was just a few steps away from johor man. lol anyways.. tat night, martin was my sales rep. dont really like him. i believed he had bad intentions towards me.. cos he asked me to go clubbing after work and he was quite secretive to the other promoter when the promoter asked martin in the car if he was sending me home.. thank god, i mentioned nick and he backed off man. if not tat guy would be thinking of screwing me.

then on sat i was assigned to the west side. urgh. so freaking far can? was assigned to BOON LAY jurong point liberty and clementic ntuc. KNN. so freaking far.. then my sales rep was patrick. dont like patrick either, he got this black face.. damn fucked up face. then in the evening.. jonny took over. jonny is nice.. damn funny person. comical. makes work fun and makes us laugh at his mad antics.
jonny isnt supposed to be with the supermarkets division. he belongs to the sundries division. but cos nick is not in singapore.. jonny has taken over his duties as for now. and sunday was at jurong east IMM giant and at boon lay ntuc. sales for both days were really good. sold close to 15 cartons. my partner or colleague was fun and hyper like me.. proactive and keen to sell.. xiulan is her name.. we both worked pretty hard and produced good results i guess. both of us were damn tired but we still went on.. :)

so maybe it cos of the fun i had this weekend working.. tat my mind is always work and fun.. tat im not really thinking abt jon and all those suffocating stuff.

but the other reason is highly cos nick msged me today from canada. hee! we kinda chatted over sms for awhile today. was nice. he said he misses me.. lol. funny. said he cant wait to get back to singapore... lol.. me silly.. me behaving like mad woman. lol

anyways.. all this leads me to think how tight my finances would be next month cos of my HIGH bills due to me sending smses to canada.. shit.. need to cut down. im already trying not to smsm nick till he smses.. and he only comes back on the 6th of june. cant wait! hurhurhur.

okay. me going to sleep. me going swimming tmrw morn. me will be late if i dont sleep now. goodnight! :)

Happy!

Dont ask me why but i feel happy today. but before i go into wat could be the possible reasons to why im happy.. first i would like to talk abt my relationship btwn jon.

well, we didnt patch up. im sure many of u would have thought so. im no longer as sure as i used to be.. abt patching up with him, or being with him. i feel tat maybe i shouldnt turn back since i was the one who finalised the breakup.

why i decided to leave him? well.. one of it was tat the night i broke up with him, i was talking to him over the phone... and the issue of money was brought up.
[imagine]-conversation-
jon: i have alot of things to think abt right now and you or us is the last thing becos all i think of or can think of is work.

me: so would tat be wat it would be in thr future? like u would always have work on ur mind and u'd have no time to think abt me or us?

jon: well... seems like it. anyways, u know how i work.. i only think abt work, i can only think abt work.

[cut long story shorter]

me: jon... r u cheating on me? i have a feeling that something is going on, which i dont know abt.

jon: no. i dont even have the time. all i do is work.

me: well, but u seem to be able to find time after work.. like u'd go clubbing.

jon: i dont go nowadays wat.

me: tats cos ur broke. when u have the money u would.

jon: not true. even if i had money, i wouldnt. u know, im thinking of stopping clubbing. sick of the same ol' music. i'd prolly just go have a beer.

me: with who?

jon: oh, ive found a friend i can go have a beer with.

me: there u go! a friend! its never with me! NEVER!

jon: tats cos if i bring u, i'd have to pay for u.

me: but u buy ur friends drinks too wat.

jon: still it wont be as much as ur cover charge.

(me very angry and pissed off)
after tat, he brought up alot of stuff i never knew he bore against me. and he even accused me of making him spend 200 bucks on me on NYE. which is not true. tat night. we went to chjimes with his brother-in-law n sister. and i had 50 bucks with me tat night. i had two coronas. one i paid for myself and the other jon paid for me. then after tat we went to next page. i paid for my own cover. i remember cos i remember giving on the remainder of my money and paying for my own cover. and tat night, i only had drinks that came along with my cover charge. and he dare say tat he bought a bottle tat night? wat rubbish?

other than tat, he said he spent 80 bucks on me on my birthday. tat is another ridiculous shit. tat night i spent 80 bucks too. i paid for cab fare back to his place tat night and bought him a beer too. he said he bought drinks for my friends. tats true. but i NEVER asked him to. all i did was ask him to order and i'd pay it. i wanted to pay. but he said, "no.. its ur birthday, i'll pay it." i never wanted him to pay. if i knew tat he was going to use tat against me, i would have never let him pay a single cent. and he still have the cheek to say tat it is out of his free-will?! if it truly was out of his free will, would he have said all tat shit abt spending so much on me?! no. fucking shit i tell u. u have no idea how angry, disappointed and sad i was to hear tat from him..

he even brought up grudges which he bore against me since dec? abt the 300 dollar watch i was suppose to get it for him for his birthday but i really couldnt afford it cos i had to pay my mom and my bills?

u know.. tat night, i had been thinking alot.. and i was comtemplating on letting nick go.. forget nick, get nick out of the picture and stick with jon and start afresh. then i had managed to get some of my faith back and a bit of patience.. but after hearing wat he had said to me.. abt the money and all tat... i just snapped a second time. i told jon, "forget it jon, since it is like this.. since i have no idea u bore so many grudges against me.. tat im such a burden to u, let's just forget it. i really dont want to be with u anymore. i didnt know u were so unhappy all along." and left it as tat.

wat i heard tat night over the phone really broke me into pieces. when i heard all of tat, i just broke down and cried. it totally destroyed wateva remaining faith and patience or even maybe feelings tat i had for him. tats prolly why i dont want to turn back or patch back. im no longer ready to patch up and take another blow in this relationship. even if i were to give it s second thought and try again at this relationship, i would say.. not now.. maybe in the future.. soon or the near future? maybe, maybe not...

cos i cant imagine if i were to marry a guy like jon.. tat if he is still going to be like this.. he would calculate every tiny thing like how many he forked out for the family and how much he paid for the child and note it all down.. and when the child is grown up, demand every single cent back from him.. i cant imagine all of tat. for me, if i were to bring up a child on my own painstaking efforts and hard-earned money, its only becos i love my child and i know its my duty as a parent. i wont, ever and never will ask my child to pay me back, unless the child wishes to out of their own initiative and fillial piety.

well.. i guess tat is tat for wat went on btwn me and jon.. why i left him. though i dont really feel right or good about my decision, i believe tat it is a right one. cos afterall.. he wasnt happy in the relationship either.. based on all those things he had against me..

OFFICIALLY SINGLE

yes it is official. im single. jon and i r through. i dont wish to talk abt it as yet. will talk abt it once im ready to.. goodnight everyone.. i'll see u soon..

p/s: dont worry, i'll be fine.. just need some time to be alone.. btw, i did good in this sem. results r out and they r ALOT better than last sem.

Hmm
i forgot to mention tat nick has just left for canada for his graduation yesterday morning. he's going to be away for two weeks. i guess with nick away.. it's a good time for me to settle wateva btwn me and jon or at least clear up my shit.

the night and morning before nick left, we spent it together. i didnt think i would get to see him before he left.. i thought i would only get to see him like in another two weeks' time instead. cos he did say tat he is busy and he might not be able to meet up with me. who knew... the whole day i didnt msg him.. would he actually msg me and ask me out for a movie..

he came to pick me up at my place at abt 8plus and we went to watch a movie at lido. we watched 'laws of attraction' starring pierce brosnan and julianne moore. it was a nice show. nothing fancy or great but nice. its not the first time watching a movie with nick.. second time actually. the last time around.. we watched 'troy'. i like watching movies with him.. he makes me feel needed. in a sense tat im not watching it with any stranger, but with someone i know.

then after tat we headed back to his place n i helped him pack his luggage. helped him decide on wat to wear for his graduation day.. like which shirt goes with which tie, along with the pants and the overcoat. as well as which pants/jeans to bring over and stuff. it was pretty fun, somewat like a fashion parade. him strutting his stuff in those clothes and me picking it out for him. heh. after tat it was still really early and we just slept side by side.. cuddled and slept soundly.. till his alarm went off and he took his shower and afterwards.. he sent me home and he went off to the airport.. bleah.

it was really sweet and nice.. spending time with him.. all tat really made me miss him quite abit since he is not in town. funny how he asked me in the car.. wat i wanted from vancouver. didnt think tat he'd ask. didnt really want anything from vancouver.. so i told him tat i wanted him back in singapore in one piece safe and sound. he said sure no problem.. (the truth is.. wateva he gets from canada tat is specifically for me, i'd be very happy) =P

its been more than a day since nick flew off to canada.. and he had already sent me 2 smses from canada.. :)

Updates Pt 2

other than all tat going on in my weekend job.. i did mention that there r alot of new ppl in my life. i got to know alot of new ppl due to my job. got to know lots of other promoters from the supermarkets that i was assigned to. the difference btwn promoters and us BAs is that BAs are directly hired by the events company, whereas promoters r hired thru employment, recruit agencies.
during my job briefing for BA, i got to know nicholas ng. he is the trade marketing officer in APB, under the supermarket/sundries division. so indirectly he is my superior. though feline of EIdeas is my immediate boss. nicholas or nick for short has made an important appearance in my life. let me tell u abt his background or at least some stuff abt him. nick is 25 this year, he drives, he earns at least 3k in a month, he just came back from canada having completed his degreee in mass communications and he lives alone(cos his parents' house doesnt have a room for him). sounds like i did a background check on him? nah. ive been talking to him over the phone and going out with him for quite a bit. he's the almost perfect dream guy tat has walked into my life. cos of him i realised how much better i should and could be treated. know wat? he calls me almost every night before he sleeps even when i didnt ask him to? other than tat, if i dont msg him for almost a whole day.. he'd take the initiative to msg me instead?
he is a really sweet guy.. never known a even more fillial guy than him. i always look forward to meeting him, be it for a movie or for supper.. there is this freshness about him. another reason also lies in how comfortable we feel in the company of one another. the way he makes me laugh or smile.. how we can just be at ease with one another. i just want to get to know him better. he is really interesting in character and personality.
i like nick. there's no doubt abt it. but at the same time, i know it may just be my wishful thinking.. maybe its just a crush or an infatuation...
have a question in ur mind rite now? want to ask me wat abt jon? or how's me and jon? well, we're currently on this one month break where there are no obligations for both parties to call or to inform of their whereabouts.. no obligations or restrictions to go out with whoever or whenever. i was the one who set the one month break. i just feel so tired. tired of trying to make this relationship work. exhausted. especially when i snapped. ive lost my patience. since tat night when jon picked a fight with me in the middle of the night at 5am abt me not informing him of my plans(i was out with a friend).. and prior to that, he picked a fight with me going out with anil(my ex bf) for supper and that he didnt like it and stuff.. that he doesnt trust anil and blah blah~. since tat incident abt anil, my patience had already become really thin, i did tell jon abt it but nooo someone didnt pay attention and picked another argument with me.. i just snapped! now, every lil thing abt jon that irritates me, really irritates me to the max. being with him or around him has become frustrating already. tats why i asked for a month off to at least try to get tat patience or faith back. jon agreed to it. but he did ask.. after 1 month, wat happens? i told him, if im ready to go back to him, i would. if not then i'll leave.. harsh? maybe. impulsive? i think not. think all this is happening cos of nick's appearance? maybe. maybe not. u guys all know all along how've ive been while being with jon.. maybe all i need is change..

Updates!

WOW! been a while ive posted a blog eh? sorry babes and dudes, so much has happened n i really havent been bothered to blog. almost been a month and really alot has happened. alot of new ppl in my life these days. been working as a brand ambassador(BA) with Asia Pacific Breweries(APB) for Tiger Beer on the weekends. in antoher words, yes.. im a Tiger Girl. as for weekdays, im just at home bumming, doing totally nothing at all. okay, talking abt the job.. i actually got it thru my sister. i didnt even have to go thru any interview or wateva, just went for the briefing n i was roped in. the pay is really good. 10 bucks an hour for the department im working under.. in this campaign, there r three departments. the clubs/pubs, kopitiams, and the supermarkets/sundries. im under the supermarket/sundries. the BA under the other departments get paid more.. due to the nature of the location. the intensity of the harassment that they would face.. from the old tikopeks(horny old ah peks). anyways, anyone of u out there interested to work in my department can give me a ring or let me know somehow.. i can rope u in if u r interested. i have to emphasize.. we only work on weekends. :) but wat do we actually do as BAs? other than standing there and looking bimbotic and pretty. yes we promote, sell and educated the kitsch(dumb) masses abt the campaign that Tiger Beer is having; the football millionaire challenge. though we dont have a quota to meet in our selling.. but we are need to sell at least a minimum number.. maybe a few cartons or at least the best we can depending on the crowd. the best part of the job lies only only in the pay, but also the itinerary of the days' work. we start work at 1pm and it ends at 9pm. during this time, we go to 3 supermarkets in a particular area for a couple of hours.. then after that we would travel with our assigned sales representative from APB in their cars to the next location n so on. in btwn we would have dinner breaks. though dinner is not included, but we're still paid during that time. heh. cool huh?

oops! i forgot to mention that being BAs.. we have to be dressed in the Tiger Beer uniform. be prepared.. its not just any uniform. its a Tiger Beer tube dress in gold and blue. with a slit at the side and some kind of fake inner lining. -shudder- for me, im wearing a size M.. but the thing is.. my boobs no matter how big they already r.. r still not big enuff to fill tat tube dress. urgh. so every 5-10 minutes.. i would have to stop in my footsteps just to pull it back up.. yes it slips.. stop laughing u all. argh.

Beautiful Morning

GOOD MORNING! rise and shine and im awake at this hour. why? cos i just came home actually. went to send my mom and my eldest sis off at the airport. their flight in in another 25 min or so.. where to? japan! they r going to be away for 10 days and would only be back on the 10th of May. its my mom's first trip that far away, eldest sis paid for her air ticket, accommodation would be taken care of as they would be staying at a relative's place. and spending money.. my uncle gave my mom 700 sgd worth of japanese yen to spend. how cool? awesome.

in this 10 days, im responsible for my brother's well being. im practically playing mother to him. i have to wash his uniform and iron them, making sure that he doesnt run out of uniform. then im also doing most of the cooking. mom bought alot of stuff and kept it in the fridge. so that i can cook up something for the rest of us at home...

anyways. wondering abt my current marital status or my relationship status? im not too sure abt it actually. dont know if it is ok, good, bad, maybe? or more of i dont know. im just chilling. didnt call him at all yesterday cos i was angry at him. long story. but those who have been in touch with me would know why i was pissed off.

this friday is my celebration/partimania! lol. im definitely going clubbing. must go clubbing. havent clubbed in ages and i really have to. halim is coming.. so is winnie, oliver, cam, hanizah.. hopefully the other unconfirmed friends like varian, casey, kevin, daniel, vick, amelia, chitra, utt and etc would call me and confirm with me real soon. cant wait. im planning to go chinablack. havent been there since last dec. thought it'd be a nice big and spacious place for me and my friends to partay.

talking abt chinablack, it is the reason why i was angry at him. anyways, let's first talk abt my birthday.. abt how it went. but before that, i would like to thank all my friends for wishing me and being there for me all this while.. i miss all of u loads and i cant wait to catch up with each and everyone of u again. my birthday was spent mostly at home. didnt go out till in the evening. jon spent my birthday with me. we met in orchard and caught a movie. caught 50 first dates. starring drew barrymore and adam sandler. real hilarious movie. totally love rob schneider in that movie man. its a highly recommended movie by me!!

we went for dinner as well.. well.. he ate.. not me. cos i was full, i had vercimilli(im not sure of the spelling) and egg. mom cooked it for me for my birthday. went to far east to buy earrings. he bought a pair, asked me to choose it, for both our piercing at the cartiledge. one for him and one for me. then after the movie.. we just walked around and to the train station at dhoby ghaut and i stayed over at his place. as for wat happened at his place. i think many of u would be able to guess. lol. but i had a great time! =) i guess him spending my birthday with me was my present as he didnt spend it with me last year...

okok.. im really tired. finally done with i-search paper and stuff. need to study for marketing when i wake up later. so i really have to catch my sleep. didnt sleep the night before... i'll talk abt why i was angry at jon another time alright? sorry abt it. too darn tired..

unofficially single

it isnt official till he says it. but it seems tat all he is doing to me now are tell-tale signs that he is leaving me. as much as i want to stay in this relationship with him.. it seems futile. cos he no longer sees an 'us', he sees no point. his exact words..

ive been crying alot lately. so much that ive lost count of the number of times ive cried myself to sleep at night. no one would be able to understand how i feel now.. maybe only hanizah as she is having similar problems with men.
come to think abt it. its been awhile since i last smiled from my heart and was happy.

right now, he wants to be apart from me. he doesnt want any form of communication btwn us for two weeks. he said that after two weeks, he'd tell me his decision. im at his disposal now i guess. i feel so broken, beaten up and all my defences broken down into nothing. i cant protect myself and neither can i defend any oncoming attacks.

feel so vulnerable and helpless. as though ive lost a part of my body. i feel paralysed. been thinking so much abt so many things that i dont know wat im thinking abt anymore. there r so many things on my mind. alot of it being jon.

its amazing how men can just decide to turn their backs on the woman they claim to love in a snap of a finger. i blame myself alot. n i told him how i would blame myself for the rest of my life. he makes it seem that its been my fault all the while. that i have been the one pushing him to this decision.

so much so that im beginning to think that maybe it could be true. its such a love hate relationship i guess. i love him so much. too much. i love him even more than i love myself. i know tats really foolish but i cant help myself. for he is the one i would only love this much ever. at the same time, i hate him so much. hate him for doing this to me. he's so cruel and heartless. yes life would go on. but it just wouldnt be the same anymore. many would tell me that i deserve better and someone better would come along. but i seriously doubt it. as im tired. im tired of giving so much and not getting any back. im tired of being stupid and soft hearted. tired of loving someone.

maybe i should be happy. afterall i did get a good review for my not even half completed i-search paper. school is good so far. today being the last day of school and all. but i cant help myself and think abt me and him. its so fucked up. i feel fucked up. never felt this way ever.

if only he knew how much he means to me. if only he knew how much i want to be with him. if only he knew that im dying on the inside without him. if only...

suddenly, i just wanna cry, open the flood gates and just cry my heart out. ive been feeling choked with emotions. and i really hope and want to cry to make myself feel better.

i miss him. terribly. awfully. i need him. but if only he knew..

beyond words

wat im feeling now is beyond words. dont know if it is anger, despair, sadness or helplessness. im angry at my own stupidity and at jon. despairing cos i think ive almost come to my wit's end. sadness cos im hurt and disappointed. helplessness cos i cant stop myself from feeling this way.

a friend just msged me on msn and asked me why im not at my bf's place. r u wondering too? "well.. thats cos he's out", i answered my friend. "why are u not joining him?", my friend asked again. i told my friend that i didnt know. but the truth is that i do know. just simply cos im not with him now, not that i dont want to be with him now. but cos he is out with his friends/colleagues and cos he would never ask, cos he doesnt believe in mixing gf and friends. why? well.. thats jonathan for u. he says his friends wouldnt care if i was there at all. and "besides... its all guys", jon would say.

honestly, the number of his friends which i have met, and known briefly, do not exceed the number of fingers i have in one hand. yes. it is that pathetic. its not that i dont want to know or meet his friends, but im not allowed to. ridiculous? yes i think so too. but thats jon for u. having chosen to be with him, this is wat i have to go through. ive resigned to my choice and only grumbled, maybe slightly more than once in a while. afterall.. there r quite a number of issues tat could be linked to this. for instance, since i dont know his friends... how am i to trust them? or trust him with them? since i dont know his friends, how am i to know if they are truly just all guys or just 'friends' and not more than friends... like girls whom he claims to be his old friends. it all boils down to trust i guess. but based on wat am i supposed to place that trust upon when he does not have the courtesy to call and inform me of his whereabouts, so that i wouldnt get worried. wondering why i would get worried? for he is afterall 24 this year and capable of taking care of himself.

the answer is simple. cos his words r almost worth close to the indonesian currency. cheap. it may seem mean of me to say that, but it is the truth. he says he would come home SOON. i asked him wat is his definition of soon? is it within an hour or wat? cos my definition of soon is within the hour. he says 1.5 hours. ok, fine by me. but guess wat time he arrives home? 1.5 x 2 = 3hrs. amazed? well, im not. cos im the one at his place, waiting up for him. amazed is not the word i'd use. angry? maybe. pissed. maybe. annoyed. maybe. in fact, all the above. that is not all. if only he is truly 24 and is totally capable of taking care of himself. if tat was truly the case, why would i find him sleeping at the lift lobby drunk? i wish someone in the world could tell me how i am to react to things like these and so much more. when i saw him lying at the lift lobby, i broke down and cried. for i had been so worried sick abt him. that i had initially been back home at 12midnight, last talked to him at 11pm and couldnt reached him since. kept calling him and his phone was off, all the way till 3am. neither did he call. i was so worried that i couldnt sleep. i tried to, but i ended waking up half an hour later wide awake and worried. to think that i was so worried that i took my last 10 dollars, took a cab and rushed to his place. i arrived at his place at 3:30am.. waited and waited but to no avail. so i thought to myself.. why not i go down and wait for him there. i grabbed the keys and left the house.. only to find him lying at the lift lobby drunk.

who really understands how i actually felt then? who truly understands wat ive been going through? who understands my pain and hurt? no one does but me. yes everyone tells me and asks me too. why dont u leave him? the answer is simple. i see so much more in him... so much potential to become someone of great calibre. be it professionally or when it comes to having a gf. i know he'd change and grow up. but for now, this is wat im stuck with. the unknown lies in the fact that i know he'd change, but maybe not with me? maybe not now? not in the next 5 years? the question lies in when and whether i'd still be there for him.

it must be obvious that i just had a row with him again. the whole reason being that during his off day, he says he is tired and tat he wants to stay home and watch tv, and is broke. but the drivel lies in the fact that on a workday, he says he is tired and that he is broke.. yet he can still go out and have drinks with his colleagues. like right now. get why im pissed off? no? well, im pissed not entirely cos he is drinking with his colleagues. but mainly cos he says he is tired, is broke, has work the next day and he still goes out drinking. not only that, if u can really see like i do, u'd se ethat he has time for other stuff but never for me.

i asked him earlier,"do u think u have been a good bf to me?" he replies and says,"yes i know i havent been a good bf." "then why the hell arent you even trying?", i said. if u obviously know, why arent u even doing anything abt it? -sigh- i seriously dont know wat else i can say. other than im tired of trying all the time. i feel like a car running out of petrol...